When your values disagree with each other

The role is bigger, better paid, and in a city your partner does not want to live in. You have told three friends it is a career decision.

It is not. It is a values decision.

Growth against Family, both of them yours, which is why all the discussion in the world has led to nothing.

Right against wrong gets resolved very quickly. Right against right can take a lot longer.

The order is the decision

Most tough career decisions are two of your own values in conflict. They will not resolve because there is no wrong answer to find, only a ranking to settle on and admit to yourself.

Step Three of the Values Finder is the real test. You examine your values pair by pair until a real stack rank appears.

It is the closest thing to a tiebreaker available, and it forces you to choose between things you would otherwise struggle to separate.

The order you actually live by is often not the order that comes out of the exercise. That gap is the dilemma.

Pros and cons assume one scale

A pros and cons list weighs everything in the same currency. Two values are two separate currencies. More money on one side does not buy back the Friday evenings spent travelling on the other, and the list hides that.

A pros and cons list weighs everything in the same currency. Two values are two separate currencies.

The standard advice to follow your values assumes they point the same way. They do not, and both directions are legitimate.

In you already know I made the point that if the decision was made months ago and you are negotiating the price, the price is usually one of your own values.

I faced the 'salary against balance' version of this myself, and worked with my coach to figure out what I was actually trading off. One role that I was offered would have meant a huge amount of travel away from my family.

People sit across from me now with similar questions in different shapes, and the answer is nearly always found in the ranking exercise.

If you need someone to support you through that conversation, that is what I do full time.

Which one has been winning?

Name the two values in the decision you are circling. Not the options, the values underneath them.

Next, look at the last three times they collided, and which one won in practice each time.

That is your real order.

Finally, say both the stated order and the real order to someone who will notice the difference. If they match, the decision is already made. If they do not, that is the next conversation you should be having.

Which of the two have you been putting first, and does the person affected know?

The conflict was never going to resolve itself, because both sides are you.